i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Randomize