You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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