You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
