I want to make a zoo with you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
