Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
