my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
