party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So many bounce houses so little time
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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