I want to have your abortion
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize