Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
