I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
