Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize