Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
