This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
