I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
