you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
