I can text with my tongue
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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