Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize