I am puke
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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