I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
