just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
