At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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