Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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