Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
