it was like his penis was on wheels.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
