look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am available for nakedness
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