Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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