i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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