i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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