Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
