I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
