took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
