hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
