So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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