i need an iv and a liver transplant
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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