We're facebook friends in real life
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
