I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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