So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
