I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize