Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
