my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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