just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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