so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
