covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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