I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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