He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
