i was born a porn star she said
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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