take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
