Your dad touched me again.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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