So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize