By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
