If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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