you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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