Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
