I met the friendliest cop last night
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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