He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
