When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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