Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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