go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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