I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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